Let me start by saying that I was never the blogging types. I do have a brain that keeps buzzing, and a soul that keeps poking. Usually my thoughts are quite silly, and I don't think writing them down, and having them travelling all over the world with icloud is a good idea. I tend to grab my close friends, who would agree to suffer my philosophical ramblings, and give them an earful. However, I read my sister's awesome blog, and it gave me inspiration to get off my butt , and write down my thoughts. (Hmm.. though I didn't have to get off my butt to do that :) )
I frequently ask myself one question to know my real goals: what would make me the happiest if I did not have any responsibilities or ties to worry about??? and the answers keep changing. I never had to ask that question while I was in school, perhaps because I was too happy, or more likely coz I wasn't responsible for my life. In 2010, I came to America for 2 months training, loved it, decided to come here forever, and after clearing all the paperwork and the exams, here I was in 2012. A place that's a paradise for women, in a profession that is highly respected, in an era when health sector has truckloads of jobs needing to be filled. But was I content... nope.. now that I had everything I needed... it became more apparent that I needed to do what I wanted. (Which shall be dealt with in another blog someday...)
And here's how the reward theory screws up my brain. What I want to do differs drastically from what I do. Then why do I do what I do? Well, coz I am running after some rewards, that needs me to put in the time, energy and effort. Rewards like house, professional standing and easy retirement. But isn't that like religion (a concept I no longer believe in)?? binding oneself in fixed beliefs and practices for a better afterlife... What if there is no afterlife? the rewards not worth the time spent in gaining them? the true calling whimpering or dead by the time I am done with this scramble for more...
Do these ramblings mean i am not happy?.. no.. they don't... I am happier than I ever was (except for my MSF days)... but contentment...that's a different story altogether.
